Are You with me always? What does that mean?

Well...you get talking to God and the things He will tell you.

Day 33:  Are you with me always? 
What if you knew that God was just as near as when you are struggling as when you are excelling? 
What if you knew He wouldn't leave even if you're cranky or unfaithful? What would that do inside of you? 
How would it affect your lifestyle? 
Is it true You really are with me at all times? 
Would you give me assurance of Your nearness today? 
What will it mean today?

God said: I know. I know. Gaylene, there are parents that don't perfectly care for their children. I know your own parents are like that but consider the way it's supposed to be. 

I replied: We're supposed to be love and nurtured and endlessly cared for.

God continued: Yes Gaylene and you weren't exposed to too much of that in the natural world, but I assure you that in the supernatural I am with you always.

I countered: Okay...

You're still not buying it. How can I get it across to you?

Well I am an experiential learner. I guess I just have to experience it. I'm sorry for fighting You on this. I know that You are with me always in my mind, I really do.

But you still don't want to feel that?

Well yes that's true. But I want to Lord. I really do.

I know Gaylene. I know. I know. I know where this all started. Do you want to know?

Yes, but I'm scared. I don't know why but I am. 
(I got a picture in my mind's eye of a crucifix...at St. Charles Academy, John XXIII or at my first communion at a Catholic church on Portage Avenue.)

I was misrepresented Gaylene. 
I was never some far off God. 
I was always there. 
I saw all the hurts, all the burdens. 
And you thought Jesus was that static figure hanging on the wall. 
You didn't understand. 
Jesus is alive. 

I am your all. 
I must have you. 
From a Father to a child...you call Me your own.

Next: Will You guide me? 

Is there anything hindering our friendship?

As my 40 questions exercise wound down, I began to almost welcome my Heavenly Papa's correction of me. I certainly argued back a lot less because more and more everything just somehow made sense...

Day 32:  Is there anything hindering our friendship?
Is anything stalling our intimacy? Please show me.

God said: You worry about other people too much, to the detriment of your own walk. 

Worry less about others. Lift them up in prayer, yes. But don't obsess. There are things you focus on too much and others you ignore. Give Me your time first and foremost and I will be be able to lead you better. You won't get ahead of Me or behind Me. 

Just you. Can you do that? Does that mean you can't take calls, do your work? No. But just singlemindedly think of Me. Always. As much as you can. 

Brian got it right. Don't focus on people and situations. Focus on Me.

Next: Are You with me always?

Against whom do I hold hard feelings?

I spent 18 years in Alcoholic Anonymous before I got saved and one thing I learned was how to make list of people I resented. But - for me - walking with Jesus is an entirely different level and my Papa's perspective on holding resentments was enlightening to say the least.

Day 31: Against whom do I hold hard feelings?
Is there resentment or bitterness in my heart that I need to confess?
Do I need to approach the person? How do I see that person?
Are there wounds in my heart that I still want to heal?

I immediately started writing down the names of about a dozen people towards whom I knew I was holding hard feelings. 
I said: I forgive them Lord. I don't carry active resentments - except for a couple - but you're right I do hold hard feelings.

God replied: 
Relax Gaylene. I'm not bringing this up to condemn you.

I just want you to know there are poisons and toxins that you carry and you need to let them go.The antidote is forgiveness and giving them and the offenses to me. I don't want you walking around with toxins inside you. I want to wash you clean. Okay?

I answered: Yes Lord. I am willing to be clean.

Next: Is there anything hindering our friendship?

Who have I judged?

It's not easy asking God to point out your shortcomings. But 30 days into my journey of asking Him 40 questions, I really was starting to grasp that He is so incredibly kind to me. It was a wee difficult acknowledging this particular sin, which involved me judging my first pastor and his wife. But the question urged me to "welcome His attitude towards them" and this turned out to be one of several steps that led me to total forgiveness and complete reconciliation.

Day 30: Who have I judged? 
How shall I see these people? 
How shall I treat them? 

God said: A & S. You know it's true. I know this has been hard to face, but it's true. You've come a long way but you did judge them. And yes they did mishandle you, but that's no excuse really. They were ill equipped to deal with you really, but you made mistakes too. 

Imagine them having to juggle the needs of a whole flock and knowing they're going to miss a few. It hurts. They've made mistakes just like you and it's deeply affected them and they've been hurt and it's difficult. 

They could have been better supports, they could do things different, but that's between them and I. Don't judge them...just understand you were there for a reason and you benefited from their touch. They touched you. They touch my heart.

Next: Against whom do I hold hard feelings?