What is the Kingdom of God like?

So much happened between me and my Heavenly Papa during this journey of asking God 40 questions in 40 days. When He first started answering my queries, it was extremely poetic (Day 2 - http://lifeshouldbefragrant.blogspot.ca/2013/03/tell-mewhat-you-are-like.html). As the discipline of questioning wound to a close, He resumed speaking to me in beautiful metaphors that were both achingly lovely and extremely personal to me.

Day 38 - What is the Kingdom of God like?

The river trail. Water flowing abundantly, but you can slip and slide and flow freely. It is hedged by greenery, by lushness, by richness. You can float by, you can skate, you can walk, you can swim. It's your choice. Trails take you to secret places. Others take you to public places. It's your choice.

As far as East is from the West, as far as the North is from the South, I flow. My Kingdom flows. It stretches to expanses. It is a meeting place at The Forks full of people of all tribes and tongues. It's your choice to step in. 

It's at the bottom of your street. There's always water at the bottom of My Kingdom. Rivers of life. Rivers of living water.

Next: Show me Your Kingdom at work

Where are You in all this?

My Father God has an interesting way of communicating with me. He will often give me words or snippets and then urge me to research them. He knows I'm a trained journalist and that I will always discover some nugget of truth.

Day 37: Where are You in all this?

God said: You don't have to feel anything Gaylene. 
Just know I'm in this. 

I am delivering you from all the lies, all the wrongheaded ideas, all the wounding, all the pain, all the scariness, all of it, all of the darkness. 

I am in it. I was always in it. All those broken places will be redeemed and reclaimed for Me.

Reclaimed land....look into the meaning. 

Next: What is the Kingdom of God like?

Why is "it" like that?

Being in ministry is not always easy; I have faced a lot of opposition, lies, push-back and straight up persecution. When I asked God this, near the end of the 40 days of questioning Him, I figured it was as good a time as any to ask about these things. 

Day 36: Why is "it" like that? 

What can be done? What did "that" happen? What do I need to know about "that"?

I wrote: It = Persecution from people in the justice system towards me and all of my boys swinging towards hate.

God replied: Gaylene you know this and have for many years, but the enemy is very intent on taking you out. He does not like seeing you model My godly love towards those young people. 

He feeds lies, but you know it. They have no ground, no solid ground on which to stand. But you do. You need to STAND my girl. Yes Gaylene, you are my girl. You are not their "friend" you see. You are a mother figure and mother figures stand in love. They don't always show it. But they do. And THAT really irritates the enemy of your soul. The more healing you get - so you'll be able to stand in love - the better. 

You know all this but maybe you needed to hear it for encouragement. Maybe you just needed to hear Me today. It's like that because you're doing what I would have you do.

Next: Where are You in this?

What dreams do you want to awaken in me?

This was a bit of a touchy subject for me since so many of my long cherished dreams seemed to go by the wayside when I became a Christian. I can't say this was the most satisfying response from God during the process of asking Him 40 questions, what with Him answering my question with a question...

Day 35: What dreams do you want to awaken in me?
Can You awaken a dream or desire that I had previously shelved?

I started: Okay here's the dreams I think I've squashed: marriage and babies, writing a book, a car, travel, golf, financial stability. Any of them pie in the sky? Are any of them what You want to awaken. I know it's just ME...fleshly, selfish, but I concede to Your authority. What dream would YOU like to awaken.

God said: Are you getting the picture Gaylene? Nothing will come between us. Nothing can stop My love for you. All of your dreams are possible when you partner with Me. So many more. So much more. So many of your dreams ARE my dreams and I want to awaken them in you. 

You don't want for too many things outside of My will, that is true. Let me do this? Will you let Me awaken your dreams?

I replied: Yes Lord. I say yes. 

Next: Why is "it" like that?

Will You guide me?

Revisiting my 2011 journal where I asked God 40 questions in 40 days has been a far richer experience than I could ever have imagined. And sometimes oh-so-timely. He told me things then that made no sense at the time, but now are crystal clear. I'm so thankful that I did this. But this particular entry was just a wee awkward to revisit. I had conveniently forgotten all about this. Sigh.

Day 34:  Will You guide me? 
Where are we headed?
Psalm 48:14 says He will be our guide even to the end. Show me something about where my future lies.

God said: Why are you crying Gaylene?

I replied: Listening to music I listened to with Dave. It hurts. I loved enjoying music with my husband...just to really sing along and not care and to discover new music. 

God continued: Yes Gaylene I will guide you. Yes it will involve another husband. Yes it will involve music. Yes I will guide you.

I interjected: I'm not sure we hear correctly about our partners. I'm not sure we can.

Gaylene. You hear correctly. And besides that you have excellent instincts about relationships. I'm surprised at how astute you are and I created you. Yes sometimes you protect our heart too much but on the whole I'm proud at the way you've held yourself pure. But I am guiding your relationships. I am in it. And I WILL NOT let you down. You will be surprised. 

The way your heart is wired about music touches my heart. You are not imagining anything my dear Gaylene. Not a thing. You do hear the Holy Spirit in songs, in voices, in melodies, in notes. Yes you do. Don't ever discount that. 

Do you think I will let you down and ask you to be with someone whose heart does not align with yours? His heart will be tender. His heart will be FULL of music. His heart will be a prayerful one...for you, your ministry, your family, his own concerns, justice...and more. His heart is in your hands and you will NOT mishandle it. I promise you, his heart is is fixed on Me, My Son, My concerns. His heart is crafted by me for you. Everything you tell young people about how hearts align is TRUE and they will see it and you will model it in your relationship. Just relax.

Next: What dreams do you want to awake in me?

Are You with me always? What does that mean?

Well...you get talking to God and the things He will tell you.

Day 33:  Are you with me always? 
What if you knew that God was just as near as when you are struggling as when you are excelling? 
What if you knew He wouldn't leave even if you're cranky or unfaithful? What would that do inside of you? 
How would it affect your lifestyle? 
Is it true You really are with me at all times? 
Would you give me assurance of Your nearness today? 
What will it mean today?

God said: I know. I know. Gaylene, there are parents that don't perfectly care for their children. I know your own parents are like that but consider the way it's supposed to be. 

I replied: We're supposed to be love and nurtured and endlessly cared for.

God continued: Yes Gaylene and you weren't exposed to too much of that in the natural world, but I assure you that in the supernatural I am with you always.

I countered: Okay...

You're still not buying it. How can I get it across to you?

Well I am an experiential learner. I guess I just have to experience it. I'm sorry for fighting You on this. I know that You are with me always in my mind, I really do.

But you still don't want to feel that?

Well yes that's true. But I want to Lord. I really do.

I know Gaylene. I know. I know. I know where this all started. Do you want to know?

Yes, but I'm scared. I don't know why but I am. 
(I got a picture in my mind's eye of a crucifix...at St. Charles Academy, John XXIII or at my first communion at a Catholic church on Portage Avenue.)

I was misrepresented Gaylene. 
I was never some far off God. 
I was always there. 
I saw all the hurts, all the burdens. 
And you thought Jesus was that static figure hanging on the wall. 
You didn't understand. 
Jesus is alive. 

I am your all. 
I must have you. 
From a Father to a child...you call Me your own.

Next: Will You guide me? 

Is there anything hindering our friendship?

As my 40 questions exercise wound down, I began to almost welcome my Heavenly Papa's correction of me. I certainly argued back a lot less because more and more everything just somehow made sense...

Day 32:  Is there anything hindering our friendship?
Is anything stalling our intimacy? Please show me.

God said: You worry about other people too much, to the detriment of your own walk. 

Worry less about others. Lift them up in prayer, yes. But don't obsess. There are things you focus on too much and others you ignore. Give Me your time first and foremost and I will be be able to lead you better. You won't get ahead of Me or behind Me. 

Just you. Can you do that? Does that mean you can't take calls, do your work? No. But just singlemindedly think of Me. Always. As much as you can. 

Brian got it right. Don't focus on people and situations. Focus on Me.

Next: Are You with me always?

Against whom do I hold hard feelings?

I spent 18 years in Alcoholic Anonymous before I got saved and one thing I learned was how to make list of people I resented. But - for me - walking with Jesus is an entirely different level and my Papa's perspective on holding resentments was enlightening to say the least.

Day 31: Against whom do I hold hard feelings?
Is there resentment or bitterness in my heart that I need to confess?
Do I need to approach the person? How do I see that person?
Are there wounds in my heart that I still want to heal?

I immediately started writing down the names of about a dozen people towards whom I knew I was holding hard feelings. 
I said: I forgive them Lord. I don't carry active resentments - except for a couple - but you're right I do hold hard feelings.

God replied: 
Relax Gaylene. I'm not bringing this up to condemn you.

I just want you to know there are poisons and toxins that you carry and you need to let them go.The antidote is forgiveness and giving them and the offenses to me. I don't want you walking around with toxins inside you. I want to wash you clean. Okay?

I answered: Yes Lord. I am willing to be clean.

Next: Is there anything hindering our friendship?

Who have I judged?

It's not easy asking God to point out your shortcomings. But 30 days into my journey of asking Him 40 questions, I really was starting to grasp that He is so incredibly kind to me. It was a wee difficult acknowledging this particular sin, which involved me judging my first pastor and his wife. But the question urged me to "welcome His attitude towards them" and this turned out to be one of several steps that led me to total forgiveness and complete reconciliation.

Day 30: Who have I judged? 
How shall I see these people? 
How shall I treat them? 

God said: A & S. You know it's true. I know this has been hard to face, but it's true. You've come a long way but you did judge them. And yes they did mishandle you, but that's no excuse really. They were ill equipped to deal with you really, but you made mistakes too. 

Imagine them having to juggle the needs of a whole flock and knowing they're going to miss a few. It hurts. They've made mistakes just like you and it's deeply affected them and they've been hurt and it's difficult. 

They could have been better supports, they could do things different, but that's between them and I. Don't judge them...just understand you were there for a reason and you benefited from their touch. They touched you. They touch my heart.

Next: Against whom do I hold hard feelings?

Who can I encourage today?

Oh my Heavenly Daddy...always throwing me curve balls. Here I thought I was going to get some ideas on who to serve and He makes it all about me. O how I love Him and the way He corrects me. Apparently I was seeking encouragement from people more than The One who created me in the first place. 

Day 29: Who can I encourage today?

God said: Gaylene I want you to encourage you. Just like David did. Get used to doing it to you, your little girl and it will come easier for others.

I retorted: Is this a joke? Like for real? Come on...

God replied: I know you heard me...that's why the tears. If you do this and do this often, it will cancel out all the discouragement you struggle with so often. Can you do this for me? Can you start encouraging yourself? I'm in you and so I'm in it. This way you will not look to others for encouragement as much. And hopefully never. Can you do this? 

I answered: Yes Lord, I can.

Next: Who have I judged?

What promise do You have for me today?

Truth be told...I struggle with alot with my Christian faith. I know for real that I was saved by Jesus, but sometimes I find it a bit of a stretch believing everything the Bible says about me. I hesitated asking this question for several days because I was unsure what it would reveal. Turns out He really does always keep His promises...

Day 28: What promise do You have for me today?

God said: Why are you putting off asking me?

I wrote: I don't know. I guess because I still don't believe many of the biblical promises are for me. Then I have to admit I'm a, y'know, BAD Christian because I don't even believe the fundamentals of my faith.

God replied: Gaylene, Gaylene, Gaylene stop. I'm never going to take my eyes off you. I can't turn away. I don't shake my head and kiss my teeth like humans Gaylene. I'm  not going to do that to you.

My presence is your promise. It will never leave you. I got you this far and I'm NOT going to withdraw it. What you do about it is your decision, but I WILL NOT WITHDRAW MY PRESENCE from you. And yes, there's more. So much more. More than you can POSSIBLY imagine.

Next: Who can I encourage today?

Where will I see You today?

The coolest thing about posting from my journal two years ago - when I asked God 40 questions in 40 days - is realizing how I didn't fully grasp what He was telling me at the time. It's been so incredibly timely and useful to revisit what He said to me then. He does, after all, transcend time...

Day 27: Where will I see You today?
Where will I notice You? 
This question is essentially daring the Lord to show Himself in the earthly realm...

God said: Gaylene you notice me.

I replied: I don't know Lord...maybe in nature, yes. But other than that?

God answered: Listen. You will hear me. You hear me in so many ways. In music, in voices, in waves, in the wind, in white noise, but I want you to hear me more. Will you commit to listen, I have so much more to tell you. You see me. You will see more today. Understand more.

I said: Why do I feel so flat? Because I can't believe that I even hear You enough or see enough. I am so selfish, self-absorbed and right now so prayerless.

God interjected: That's a lie Gaylene and you even know it is. You will see that today. You will see My plan in phone calls, in your prayers and how you walk where you walk.

Next: What promise do You have for me today?

Where do you want to meet me today?

When God first asked me to minister to African youth - many of them gang involved - little did I know I'd be dealing with murder. Four murders. It's been heart-wrenching and hard, but I do now see His hand in it all. But that has come because of my own wrestling with Him. The following question and answer came after one such murder of a young Somali man who always supported me in the streets and was one of the bright lights in my ministry. His murder was not only devastating to his family and many of the kids I know, it brought with it a backlash against me that was astounding to say the least. But my heavenly Papa always comes through with peace and perspective. O how I love Him.

Day 26: Where do you want to meet me today?

God said: I'm going to meet you in all that pain and confusion. Never fear my daughter I know what I'm doing. Just be aware of my feelings in this situation. My heart hurts for everyone involved. It was not intended to be from the garden to the graveyard like this.




I cried out: Why did it have to happen and why do I have to be in the middle and why do I even have to know?

He replied: Trust Gaylene. Trust in me. That opposition is because you are in the right place. Exactly where I planted you. Doing what I asked you to do. Feel the pain. Feel the stress. Feel my heart but don't hold onto it. It is intended so you pray, intercede and your prayer and intercession MATTERS. 

I hear you. So I want to meet you in your prayers. I trust you with my secrets.

Next: Where will I see You today?

What lies will You dispel for me?

Oh those lies that pester us. Turns out my heavenly Daddy had been talking to me for some time about one in particular...and His answer this question was evidence that it was time for it to go for once and for all.

Day 25: What lies will You dispel for me?

God said: Yes Gaylene it's regarding your worth. Remember when you first left MARIA, I talked to you even then about your worth. You knew me then, you knew it was Me speaking. It's about your worth. The lie is that your life is hard and you were made to struggle and suffer. And the truth is you have IMMEASURABLE WORTH to me. You are so valuable I could fill a book. 

I asked: Really? How can that be true?

He countered: Why do you doubt me?

I said: Well I'm so fragile and messed up and broken and fleshly.

God replied: Gaylene you see; you can admit it. So many can not, will not, DON'T. But you do. It's a lie that your life has no value, that you're just a pawn in some such game I'm playing. You life has worth, value. You are more valuable than rubies, pearls, all the gems. You are mine. More valuable than all the flowers, all the beautiful things in a garden. HOW MUCH MORE GAYLENE do I love you? I want you to dispel this lie to agree with Me. Agree with me.

I wrote: YES LORD.

He continued: I can't have you walking on this earth for even another day not understanding your worth and value to me, to the prayer movement, to the Bride, to the people on your heart. Stop devaluing yourself. This is ME Gaylene telling you this. I love you beyond measure.

Next: Where do you want to meet me today?

What's the best use of my day?

Even before I got saved I would ask God what He would have me do. Every day in fact. As I progressed through the 40 questions in 40 days, God's answers made sense of things He had been telling me for years...and endure even until today.

Day 24: What is the best use of my day?

God said: Walk and pray.

That Joshua Scripture was not by accident. It spoke to you then and it's speaking to you today.

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go." (Joshua 1:9)

I replied: Set a garden in my soul that I can't contain. I want more of You God.

Next: What lies will You dispel for me?

What in my community brings You joy?

Continuing with my practice of asking God questions over a 40 day period. His answers about my community yielded some intriguing perspectives.

Day 23: What in my community brings You joy?
Where are the bright spots? Why do these things bring You joy? How can I get involved? 
Restore my hope in my community as I see them through Your eyes. Show me what You are up to so I can rejoice with You.


God said: A Jewish mayor who is open to Christians and my issues. 

I was a bit startled and replied: Really? 

Really Gaylene. Why would you doubt that? It's not just manipulative for votes. It's a true hunger for deeper things. 

There are more like him. More Jews that desire Me, desire My Son, that haven't even heard the gospel yet they yearn. That brings me joy. Because only My Son will do. They don't know the full story but they ARE the full story. 

Now think about it...it's no coincidence that you have a Jewish Christian-friendly mayor. It's significant. It means something. It's PROPHETIC in fact.

Next: What's the best use of my day?

What in my community causes You grief?

Why not ask God about your community? Like me, you might be taken aback at what He has to say about the things you can do to affect change. It doesn't take much.

Day 22: What in my community causes You grief?
Why does it grieve You? How do You want me to respond? 
Shall I pray? Shall I speak out? Shall I act?

I wrote: I'm scared to ask this question for some reason.

God said: The same thing that drives you...marginalized people being left aside. Aboriginal people and their plight in your city and country. People who are precious to me being invisible.  Each of them are precious to me, Gaylene.

I said: How do you want me to respond? 

God replied: Look into their eyes. They want to be acknowledged like anyone. You don't need to give money but I do ask for you to acknowledge them with love. Of course you shall pray. You already do. Simple prayers I do not despise Gaylene. Act when the Spirit prompts. You know.

Next: What in my community brings You joy?