Saturday, 29 June 2013

Lord is there a painful memory in my life where you'd like to meet me?

As I continued to ask God questions day by day, His tenderness, especially when correcting me, began to eradicate some ideas I had held on to for far too long.

Day 13 - Lord, is there a painful memory in my life where you'd like to meet me?
Where were You then?
What were You doing?
What do you want to show me or tell me there?
How will you redeem this?

My mind started to flood with memories: 
Pebblewood Lane. Age four to seven? My chest is tightening. The family* across the street. Big pile of snow in 1966. Denise's toboggan accident. Andrew's accident. Neighborhood girl* Mrs. Curtis' kindergarten. The Beatles on tv...Ed Sullivan. Chatty Cathy doll. Mr. Dress-up. I just remember the living room, the dining room and the kitchen and the backyard...mostly because of pictures. I remember the front steps. I remember the front yard. But I do not remember my bedroom AT ALL. 
Pebblewood Lane.
So much much darkness. 
In people. In my soul. I am broken.
Where would you like to meet me?

God said: On the toboggan hill...when your sister broke her leg. You felt it all crashing down. That's when you gave up....really threw in the towel. You blamed yourself for so much Gaylene...none of it was your fault. None. of. it. You yelled "why" out your your mind. None of it was your fault. I'm not saying you didn't get blamed for things you didn't do, but you took on so much more. I'm going to pick up the pieces Gaylene. I am going to rebuild. Will you partner with me in the middle of all this pain? I'm not asking you to go through to punish you. But you've held it in for too long. It needs to be released. Remember: I SHALL BE RELEASED. Instead of turning to your old negative thoughts - I am a loser, I am alone - will you choose to look at Me? 
Of course I knew what was going to happen last night. Of course I knew. I've seen it all. I know why you can't  handle blood I know why you faint. Will you choose Me in the middle of it all? Will you choose to listen to My voice?

I replied: I will try. I will do my best, but if it's a yes or no, I have to say yes. I have nothing else Lord. Let's face it. It's all gone. The husband, dreams of family, dreams of travel. The lie that my family is functional. The lie that a career is the only thing. The lie that it's all about me. The belief that if I can just think harder, I can figure it all out. The belief that make me happy. None of it works.  Only You Lord. It's only You so I have to say Yes to your requests. I can only say I'll partner with You.

I remember pulling that toboggan. Did I ask for Your help?

God answered: Yes you did. 

I was under so much condemnation. I just, in my spirit, felt so much RESIGNATION. 

Well Gaylene I was there. I was at the top of the hill. I was there. I saw what the enemy did to your broken little psyche. And throughout all of it...I loved you unconditionally. I saw how it all played out. I tried to hug you and comfort you, but you turned your back. This thing you do - zone out when I'm talking - has to stop. Can you do that?

Yes Lord. I know, I want it to stop. 

You think I'm going to mark you, that there will be pencil marks all over your life, but that's not true. 

Do I really do that? Expect to be marked hard? Even though I know you're a loving God.
*Names changed for privacy reasons
NEXT: What's on Your heart God?

Wednesday, 19 June 2013

Lord, is there a wonderful memory in my life where you'd like to meet me?

As I continued on in my journey of asking God 40 questions in 40 days, He took me back to a special place from my childhood and suddenly one of the things He had spoken over me started to make sense. Because everything about Him makes perfect sense.

Day 12 - Lord, is there a wonderful memory in my life where you'd like to meet me?
What were You doing?

God said: 

I want to meet you at your Aunty Kate's farm.
And I said:
Of course you do.

God asked me:
Why are you crying?

I replied: 
I think I forgot how magical and enchanting that place was for me.

Yes Gaylene it's where I met you at that time. 
You used to look out over the land to the horizon and see Me. 
You climbed on the tractor to be with Me. 
You ate from the abundance of her garden. And she...


Yes, always loved and accepted you. 
Enchanted Garden - John William Waterhouse
You were special to her heart. 
She tended to you. 
This is where you as my garden began. 
Earthy. Leafy. Beautiful. Abundant. Nourishing. Sustaining life. Growing. Nurturing. 

A fragrant watered garden. 

NEXT: Lord, is there a painful memory in my life where you'd like to meet me?

Wednesday, 12 June 2013

God, in what Bible story would You like to meet me?

It seemed a little outlandish asking God to compare me to one of the people in the Bible. But His answers were continuing to truly touch me and even reveal His plans for my future.

Day 11 - God, in what Bible story would You like to meet me? 

Do I remind You of one of the characters in the story?
How does this story tie into my life?

Abigail bringing gifts to David - Francesco Botti c.1680s

God said: 

You know all day you've been thinking of Abigail. 

The Lord prompted me to re-read 1 Samuel 25 (and the notes in my NIV Study Bible) and then highlighted the following to me:
Abigail lost no time. 
"My Lord let the blame be on me alone."
(Study notes: Her prudent action prevents David from using his power as a leader for personal vengeance in confident acknowledgement of David's future accession to the throne.)
"May you be blessed for keeping me from bloodshed."

Yes, you are like her. 
You lose no time in crises. 
You stand in the gap for others.
Do you know what that is? It's the proactive sacrificial position. 
You let the blame be on you by standing for them. 
You WILL be blessed for your good judgement.
You WILL be married to an amazing man.
A man of royalty of least to me.
David meets Abigail - Maciejowski Bible, leaf 34 c.1250

NEXT: Lord, is there a wonderful memory in my life where you'd like to meet me?

Tuesday, 4 June 2013

What gift can I offer others today?

This was the day the back and forth conversation between Father God and I really began to flow. And it's pretty clear I'm not the easiest child of God to deal with.

Day 11 - What gift can I offer others today?
How and with who shall I share it?

God said: 

Write this down Gaylene. Your story is a gift to others. See how it affected John* and Mike* 

And I said:
Well yeah, but come on...a gift? That is ludicrous.

God said: 
Gaylene. I saved you for reasons that are about you but so much more than you. Can you accept that? 

And I replied:

God said:
Your story encourages people like Anna*, who just see slivers of sin and their own sin, but your story has significant implications. You are being redeemed. You are being sanctified. You are being renewed. And it's a gift.

And I wrote:

God said:
It's my gift to you. It's my gift to the world and I want you to offer it to others. I don't have to tell you for who. You know. You know how to.

*Names changed for privacy reasons

NEXT: God, in what Bible story would you like to meet me?