#WarOnGrumbling Day 15

Today, I'm grateful for my journals.

For a writer, journalling is an essential way to work out ideas and capture both life's little fragments as well as the big strokes. That I couldn't journal for years was a robbery and the thought of once again staring at a blank page is utterly frightening.

I mostly utilize my journal to record things God is highlighting to me, prophetic words I've received, sermon notes and flashes of revelation or inspiration. It is also the place I record and keep track of my prayer lists, phone numbers and sometimes even the odd to-do list.

I've also been trying to return to morning pages, writing three pages longhand each morning to clear out the cobwebs of clutter, anger or irritation from my mind to free up creativity and imagination. Doing them regularly has proven to be far more difficult. 

Nowadays I simply can't envision life without my journal. It is the keeper of secrets, both my inner life and the things God wants to tell me. 

This afternoon, I finished a journal I started in March and cracked open a new one. Somehow this often prophesies a new chapter of my life. My father passed away during my last journal and my mom will likely pass away in the first few pages of this new one. I've discovered writing down the process is important and documenting these once in a lifetime experiences are albeit deeply saddening, but also priceless beyond measure.

Take Your fingers, God //
Master Potter come mold the clay //
Tell Your story as You mold me //
Fashion a heart that is wholly Yours

#WarOnGrumbling #40DaysOfThanksgiving

#WarOnGrumbling Day 14

Today I'm thankful that Father God always moves.

How do I say thank You, Lord For the way that You love And the way that You come For all that You've done All that You'll do My hearts pours out thank You You don't have to come But You always do You show up in splendor And change the whole room How do I say thank You, Lord For the life that You gave The cross that You bore For the love You poured out To ransom my soul My hearts pours out this thankful song You walk through all my walls Conquered my shame Stepped into my past Fill my world with grace You didn't have to come But You wanted to I say thank You

#WarOnGrumbling #40DaysOfThanksgiving

#WarOnGrumbling Day 13

I'm so very grateful that I'm forgiven and because of it I can forgive others...and myself.

I don't quite know how else to say this: forgiveness is a badass act. I can forgive because I was first forgiven by Jesus Christ, who's given me the gift that keeps on giving.

Today, I went to another deeper level of forgiving someone (70x7, right?). Was it hard? Not really. Was it awkward? I think so. Was it necessary? Absolutely.

This, the power of the cross:
Son of God—slain for us
What a love! What a cost! 
We stand forgiven at the cross. 

#WarOnGrumbling #40DaysOfForgiveness

#WarOnGrumbling Day 12

I'm grateful for my so-called African life.

These are a few of my favorite things:

• Hearing about people's refugee journeys
• Injera (Ethiopian flatbread)
• Doro wat (spicy
  
  
  chicken
  stew with eggs)
• Ethiopian coffee ceremony (they invented it, yo)
• Ambasha (sweet tea bread)
• Going to the airport to greet newcomers from abroad
• Freedom to talk about Jesus in a Muslim home

And today I got to do them all. I am so blessed.

#WarOnGrumbling #40DaysOfThanksgiving

#WarOnGrumbling Day 11

Tonight I'm thankful that God speaks to me through music.

It's been one helluva week. Knowing we're spending the last days, maybe weeks with my mom has been difficult beyond words. Tonight, mostly to distract myself from the matters at hand, I followed through on a commitment to volunteer with World Vision at a Toby Mac concert.

I may be a huge hip hop fan and I'm definitely a Christian, but I've never really followed Toby Mac. But God knew why I needed to be there. 

There I was selling concert-goers World Vision sponsorships for kids in Cambodia, Nepal, Mongolia and Sri Lanka when Toby introduced a song featuring his former bandmates dcTalk. Called "Love Feels Like", he shared how it was written while caring for his ailing father, who has since passed away. 

He started to sing and I just knew Papa was nudging me to pay attention and listen to the lyrics:
I am weary, I am worn  // Like I’ve never been before
This is harder than I thought it’d be //
This is what love feels like //
Poured out, used up, still giving //
Stretching me out to the end of my limits 

So there I stood in the middle of the foyer with tears streaming down my face. I knew the King of the universe had just set me up. I was convicted about the way I needed to position my heart with my mom in the days to come. I got the message loud and clear.

I am tired, I am drained
But the fight in me remains 
I am weary, I am worn 
Like I’ve never been before 
This is harder than I thought 
Harder than I thought it’d be 
Taking every part of me 
Harder than I thought 
So much harder than I thought it’d be 
But empty’s never felt so full 
This is what love feels like 
Poured out, used up, still giving
Stretching me out to the end of my limits 
This is what love feels like 
Poured out, used up, still willing to fight for it
Like floating confetti 
The beautiful gets messy 
When the fall out finds the floor 
But in the depths of the trenches 
Is the richest of riches 
Love is calling us to more 
And now these three remain
Faith, hope and love 
But the greatest of these is love 
It’s worth everything you put in 
Love , This is what it feels like

#WarOnGrumbling #40DaysOfThanksgiving

#WarOnGrumbling Day 10

Today I'm thankful for the way God speaks to me when I walk. 

This afternoon I went for a stroll to do some errands and take in the last of the warm autumnal air. Like usual, I was praying as I walked and I casually asked God to show me things I needed to see. 

I wandered down Hargrave Street in between a parkade and MTS Centre which casts a lot of darkness between the two structures. A few steps later, I was swathed in light and I looked up, and there was the construction site for True North Square. Its cranes were rising up to the sky and the sun shining on it all. It was all so beauteous I gasped out loud.

Then God spoke to me so clearly about what I was looking at. I somehow doubt I would've ever heard what He said sitting at home. He's made me to move throughout Winnipeg and always shows up in splendor in so many ways.

The heart is a bloom //
Shoots up through the stony ground
But there's no room // No space to rent in this town
It's a beautiful day // Don't let it get away
Touch me // Take me to that other place
Teach me // I know I'm not a hopeless case 
Reach me // I know I'm not a hopeless case
It's warm in the sun, I reach to the sun

 

#WarOnGrumbling #40DaysOfThanksgiving

#WarOnGrumbling Day 9

I'm thankful I can be honest.

Today was one of the more taxing days of my life. And I definitely did some grumbling. Then I got stuck at a long slow train trying to get to the prayer room on time and I may have even shook my fist at God.

I'm so glad I can be truthful about my shortcomings, that I can repent to the Most High God and know that I am forgiven. 

And I hope -- no I know -- tomorrow will be a better day.

Preserve me oh God //
Let not shame stand in my way //
For I have no good apart from You //
But I keep running after broken cisterns //
That never satisfy

#WarOnGrumbling #40DaysOfThanksgiving

#WarOnGrumbling Day 8

I am thankful that when I am weak, my God is strong.

This afternoon I was slated to be part of a prophecy team, something I had agreed to a couple weeks ago. I had lunch with my nephew beforehand and I was emotional and tired. On the way over, it occurred to me I was perhaps not in the best mind frame to be speaking into the lives of others. So I uttered the time-honored prayer of the intercessor: Jesus, help me.

And guess what? He did. I felt a confident assurance and calm which I seldom experience, and I had no issues hearing from God for the people in the room.

As I drove away, Papa reminded me of something He'd repeatedly nudged me about over the past year: when I admit I'm weak, He displays His strength on my behalf. Right...

I am at peace and even take pleasure in any weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and afflictions for the sake of the Anointed because when I am at my weakest, He makes me strong. (2 Corinthians 12v10 The Voice)

You are able to keep me from stumbling //
And in my weakness //
You are the strength that comes from within //
Good Shepherd of my soul take my hand and lead me on

#WarOnGrumbling #40DaysOfThanksgiving

#WarOnGrumbling Day 7

I'm thankful today for coffee and naps.

When my dad died, I had no idea how fatigued that I'd be. I've always been an avid coffee fan, but this last season of grief made me practically reliant on that dark and lovely beverage.

I've always said the best thing I learned as an adult was how to take a nap. I used to do it once a week or so, but the last few months it hasn't been unusual for me to partake in morning, afternoon and evening naps. 

I didn't sleep too well last night. The most recent news about my mom's health and some surrounding drama was running around and around in my mind. 

Thank goodness I had an early morning girlfriend date replete with coffee (and freshly baked cinnamon buns). 

Following a redemptive afternoon visit back at home with one of my spiritual sons, I crashed. And to get me through an evening visit with out of town friends, I picked up my usual iced doppio espresso.

So it goes, and it's quite likely this cycle of coffee and naps will continue or some time. 


Couldn't sleep and wouldn't sleep //
When love came and told me, I shouldn't sleep //
Bewitched, bothered and bewildered, am I

#WarOnGrumbling #4DaysOfThanksgiving

#WarOnGrumbling Day 6

I am super thankful for the friends God has planted in my life. This has not been an easy season in the relational department, but my heavenly Papa has brought me some deep friendships.

Today I slept until noon and sat around dazed for a couple hours wondering if I really was going to lose both of my parental units in the same year. I was about to veer into a full scale pity party when a dear friend called because she was in my neighborhood. She dropped over with tea and donuts, sat on my couch and listened to me rant for awhile, and then prayed for me.

Shortly after she left, two others came over to pray with me for a mutual friend in Swaziland and for each other. 

I don't have the proper words to describe the value of people like this who show up in your distress, ignore the mess, bring food and stand in the gap when you feel so weak and your prayer life is decimated. I'm just very grateful.

If this world makes you crazy //
And you’ve taken all you can bear //
You call me up //
Because you know I’ll be there

#WarOnGrumbling #40DaysOfThanksgiving

#WarOnGrumbling Day 5

I am thankful that God really knows me.

Today was one of those incomparably bad days. We found out my mom's cancer had spread to her brain, kidneys and vertebrae. It's not likely she will make it through the year. This, after my father passing in April. Argh.

I knew it was going to be a bit of a grueling day, so I asked God to make Himself known in the midst of everything. I'm well aware He is with me, but I just needed a little more closeness than usual.

The drive through the Interlake -- known as the land of inland oceans and infinite possibilities -- was lovely as always.

After meeting with mom's nurse and realizing the full impact of what was going down, I made some phone calls and asked my friends for prayer. 

I wandered over to Gimli's trademark breakwater for a stroll and I let Abba console me with a vista of Lake Winnipeg, a place so close to my heart.

Then I popped over to the new Alycia's and was thrilled to discover they had pyrizhky, tasty Ukrainian buns filled with sauerkraut. A family favourite, they were a great snack for mom and an easy dinner for myself (one thing I've learned in this grief journey is sometimes you just have to eat out). 

During my drive home, the sky was mostly overcast, but somehow most of the horizon was beautifully lit in a ribbon of peach and gold.

Later, on my way to my regular Thursday evening evangelism outreach, I walked through Portage Place and what was playing? "The Heart of the Matter" by Don Henley, a song that has spoken to me in so many difficult situations throughout my life.

So what's my takeaway? It's that the God I serve knew exactly what I needed in the midst of such a trying day. 

He knows I love driving on the prairies. He knows I needed time by the lake. He knows I'm a foodie and how munching on one of my childhood delicacies would soothe the hurt. He knows I needed beauty on the way home. And He knows exactly how much that song means to me.

He knows me. And knowing that makes me want to know Him more.

I've been tryin' to get down //
To the heart of the matter //
But my will gets weak //
And my thoughts seem to scatter //
But I think it's about forgiveness //
Forgiveness //
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore

#WarOnGrumbling #40DaysOfThanksgiving

#WarOnGrumbling Day 4

Today I'm thankful for light breaking through on a dreary day.

The past couple of days have been rather bleak and colder as autumn stretches forth here in Winnipeg. The mostly grey skies aren't offering the harvest color palette much opportunity to shine. Yesterday when I headed out at dusk I noticed the light was muted, but lovely. Then tonight when a friend picked me up right before sunset I could see the weather system with dark clouds was passing over, unveiling a beauteous glow over downtown. 

It took my breath away and made me grateful I am created to revere all of God's creation. After all, it was Him who said "Let there be light" And there was light.

You are my light //

You shine it through my darkest darkness

#WarOnGrumbling #40DaysOfThanksgiving

#WarOnGrumbling Day 3

Today I'm thankful for jail calls.

Nothing touches my hood momma heart like hearing from my kids in jail. The fact they remember my number and reach out to me never fails to make my day. Sometimes they want to talk about their upcoming court case, some want to share what God is saying to them, some want to know about their homies on the outs. No matter what, they know they're going to hear that I love them and even more importantly God does infinitely more. 

This evening I heard from one of my long lost ones. The last time we talked, he was being disrespectful and I told him I wouldn't tolerate the way he was acting. Today, almost a year and two jails later, he called to chat. I got to affirm to him that even though he'd made a mistake, he is indeed loved and lovable. That the Father uses me to display His heart towards these young adults astounds me. And for that I'm truly grateful.

#WarOnGrumbling #40DaysOfThanksgiving

#WarOnGrumbling Day 2

I'm thankful that God hears my little prayers. 

I'm an intercessory missionary and newly commissioned staff member at Sanctuary House of Prayer and what we do is, well, pray. We mostly intercede for big issues: revival in our region, the ending of abortion in Canada, for the church in Manitoba to be more fascinated with Jesus and salvations in entire generations. It can be a wee challenging to wait for answered prayers when the target is so huge.

So I'm completely astonished when my heavenly Papa moves upon my seemingly insignificant petitions. Yesterday, for example, I asked Him in the weakest way if I could get a good night's sleep. I haven't been sleeping much in the night because of my elderly cat and some pesky low grade anxiety. 

And not only did I sleep a good seven hours, my cat curled up beside me and slept as well. When I woke up, I lifted my head and said "Wait...what? You heard that silly little prayer!" Oh how I love Him.

#WaronGrumbling #40DaysOfThanksgiving

#WarOnGrumbling Day 1

Deciding to choose gratitude over complaining is harder than it sounds. Right now, I'm in a difficult period of grief and intentionally choosing to war against grumbling has been so helpful in past years. So for the next 40 days at around midnight, I plan to review my previous 24 hours and find something to be thankful for.

Tonight, I'm thankful for changing seasons. I have always adored fall, but because I'm such a cottage fan, swimmer and beach sunset junkie, it's not as evident. However, in the wake of my father's death, this last summer was a bit muted than most. 

Because of this, I've intentionally taken note of every note, every iota of this autumn from the first falling leaf and the crisp night air to the entire new palette of colors, the harvest moon and the precious last nights I could sleep on my purple porch. 

It's a new season and not just outside my window. Things are different on the inside. I am fundamentally changed and frankly, it doesn't always feel swell. But because I know God's is with me and I see His work in my life, I am thankful.

Though the seasons change //

Your love remains

 #WarOnGrumbling #40DaysOfThanksgiving

Soldier of Love / Beg / The Love Inside

What a joy it has been to share music that I love for my Monthful of Music. Several times I had to put myself in check because I wasn't just sharing my favourite songs (which would take many, many months), but rather songs that have moved me and touched my heart throughout my life and faith journey.

But of course I couldn't just come up with an even 30, so here's a few more tracks that I feel are worthy of mention.

"Soldier of Love" by phenomenal Naija songstress 

Sade is one of my anthems as an urban missionary. In the wasteland of my own devastated love life, I became a soldier on the front lines fighting for God's love and I will until the day I pass from this earth.

I've lost the use of my heart but I'm still alive
Still looking for the life
The endless pool on the other side
It's a wild, wild west, I'm doing my best
I'm at the borderline of my faith
I'm at the hinterland of my devotion
In the front line of this battle of mine
But I'm still alive
I'm a soldier of love every day and night
I'm soldier of love all the days of my life
I've been torn up inside, oh, I've been left behind
So I ride, I have the will to survive
In the wild wild west trying my hardest
Doing my best to stay alive
I am love's soldier
I wait for the sound
I know that love will come turn it all around
I am lost but I don't doubt, oh
I'm a soldier of love
I'm a soldier


Life ain't easy when you're an intercessor contending for salvations and changed lives of well over 100 young men and women. In one of my most frustrating periods, I caught Shane & Shane as a warm-up act for Starfield in Winnipeg. My jaw dropped at their musicianship and I started to weep when they sang "Beg". For a good year afterwards, every prayer walk I'd embark on was accompanied by my off-key singing: 
I beg for You to move // 
I beg for You to break through

Here I am
One more day of not loving Him the way He asks
In fact my heart is singing praises to the things 
that make me feel alright
So I’m sinking fast like a stone heart should
And on the way down
I’ve done what I could
To try and try to turn this stone to flesh
I’m haunted by my God
Who has the right to ask me
What by the nature of my rebellion
I cannot give
So I beg for you to move
I beg for you to break through
So here I am
Got my deeds for the day
All my cute little words about
How I am saved Am I saved? 
Could I love you with my mouth like a church kid should
At the end of the day my words get burned as wood
Oh, but I was good
These songs are noise in your ears
A clanging drum, You want my love

Laura Hackett Park's shimmering vocals and personal lyrics in "The Love Inside" somehow manags to always explode my heart, often accompanied by crystal clear revelation. How this happens is a mystery to me; it's a bit tricky to describe what music does to to lift our hearts and minds. But it's real. Oh is it ever

Do Your eyes see me now Are You smiling? Are You proud? I believe You are, and this changes everything Your heart so full, You can't contain it Waves are crashing over me I feel so safe I can't explain it Peace and joy abounding me The love inside of You is so pure and so right It fills all heaven with its light Jesus, Your love is so amazing And this joy I can't explain it I'm caught up in the fellowship You're the One, there You go again Lifting my heart, lifting my head Hope is rising as I see You smiling

#MonthfulOfMusic #HoodMom

Nearness

I've been walking in valley of the shadow of death for many years now. Several of my kids have been murdered, injured, shot, stabbed, beaten and run over. As bad as that was, things seemed to get worse when my father fell ill five years ago, finally passing away in April. 

It's been difficult, but I'm so grateful to be among a fiery troop of intercessors. A dear friend from my church prayed for me one night during our service and something she said became ultra-illuminated. She asked God to reveal Himself as Emmanuel, God with us. 

Behold, a virgin shall be with child, and shall bring forth a son, and they shall call his name Emmanuel, which being interpreted is, God with us. (Matthew 1v23)

And it occurred to me: whoa us means me...so God is with Gaylene. It's funny how sometimes the most simple revelation opens up an entire new realm in the heart. As I walked alongside my father as he steadily faded to black, my mantra became "Emmanuel: God with me."

The next time I listened to "Nearness" by Jenn Johnson, I knew I'd found a song that put words to my heart cry. Every lyric of that song is bang on; not a single word rings false.

Now my mother is declining. And I find myself repeating (and singing) that same truth: Emmanuel, God with Gaylene. My very present help in this time of trouble. 

I stand with so many questions
But You know all of the answers
And whether this side of Heaven
I know that You are the Healer
And my heart will stay steadfast
I know that You are good
And my heart will stay steadfast
I know that You are good
Comforter You are to me
Shelter from the cold
Constant how You carry me
Never letting go
You are with me
And Your voice holds me together
When I feel like I’m falling apart
And I place my world in Your hands
And You come and steady my heart
I feel you in the stillness
I know that You are good
I feel you in the stillness
I know that You are good
Emmanuel God with us, God with us
You are Emmanuel
Very present help
Emmanuel

#MonthfulofMusic #HoodMom

Diamonds

Go on. 

Drive to the lake...or the farm...or the States.

Insert Johnnyswim CD. 

Press play.

Forward to "Diamonds".

Sing along at the top of your lungs (even better with friends).

I double dog dare you not to.

I can confidently assert you will feel better than you have all week.

And if you're me, you'll feel closer to Abba.

Johnnyswim, husband and wife duo Abner Ramirez and Amanda Sudano, write lush and beauteous songs stemming from their relationship and lives. Written in the wake of the deaths of Ramirez's dad and Sudano's mom, the late great Donna Summer, "Diamonds" has an undeniably bittersweet feel and ridiculously singable lyrics that declare so much truth. 

I am a gem

I am a light-bearer

I am courageous

I am fiery

and you better believe that I am rising from the dust. 

But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, God's special possession, that you may declare the praises of him who called you. (1 Peter 2v9)

In the wake of every heartache

In the depth of every fear

There were diamonds, diamonds

Waiting to break out of here

Don't you think I hear the whispers

Those subtle lies, those angry pleas

They’re just demons, demons wishing they were free like me 

We're the fire, from the sun

We're the light when the day is done

We are the brave, the chosen ones

We're the diamonds, diamonds rising up out the dust 

All your curses will surrender

Every demon worth will kneel

They're just mountains, mountains about to turn into fields

You've taken down so many others

Oh, but you'll know my name when you see

And in these ashes I'm stronger still

You'll learn to feel my pain, yeah you will

#MonthfulOfMusic #HoodMom