Saturday, 29 June 2013

Lord is there a painful memory in my life where you'd like to meet me?

As I continued to ask God questions day by day, His tenderness, especially when correcting me, began to eradicate some ideas I had held on to for far too long.

Day 13 - Lord, is there a painful memory in my life where you'd like to meet me?
Where were You then?
What were You doing?
What do you want to show me or tell me there?
How will you redeem this?

My mind started to flood with memories: 
Pebblewood Lane. Age four to seven? My chest is tightening. The family* across the street. Big pile of snow in 1966. Denise's toboggan accident. Andrew's accident. Neighborhood girl* Mrs. Curtis' kindergarten. The Beatles on tv...Ed Sullivan. Chatty Cathy doll. Mr. Dress-up. I just remember the living room, the dining room and the kitchen and the backyard...mostly because of pictures. I remember the front steps. I remember the front yard. But I do not remember my bedroom AT ALL. 
Pebblewood Lane.
So much much darkness. 
In people. In my soul. I am broken.
Where would you like to meet me?

God said: On the toboggan hill...when your sister broke her leg. You felt it all crashing down. That's when you gave up....really threw in the towel. You blamed yourself for so much Gaylene...none of it was your fault. None. of. it. You yelled "why" out your your mind. None of it was your fault. I'm not saying you didn't get blamed for things you didn't do, but you took on so much more. I'm going to pick up the pieces Gaylene. I am going to rebuild. Will you partner with me in the middle of all this pain? I'm not asking you to go through to punish you. But you've held it in for too long. It needs to be released. Remember: I SHALL BE RELEASED. Instead of turning to your old negative thoughts - I am a loser, I am alone - will you choose to look at Me? 
Of course I knew what was going to happen last night. Of course I knew. I've seen it all. I know why you can't  handle blood I know why you faint. Will you choose Me in the middle of it all? Will you choose to listen to My voice?

I replied: I will try. I will do my best, but if it's a yes or no, I have to say yes. I have nothing else Lord. Let's face it. It's all gone. The husband, dreams of family, dreams of travel. The lie that my family is functional. The lie that a career is the only thing. The lie that it's all about me. The belief that if I can just think harder, I can figure it all out. The belief that make me happy. None of it works.  Only You Lord. It's only You so I have to say Yes to your requests. I can only say I'll partner with You.

I remember pulling that toboggan. Did I ask for Your help?

God answered: Yes you did. 

I was under so much condemnation. I just, in my spirit, felt so much RESIGNATION. 

Well Gaylene I was there. I was at the top of the hill. I was there. I saw what the enemy did to your broken little psyche. And throughout all of it...I loved you unconditionally. I saw how it all played out. I tried to hug you and comfort you, but you turned your back. This thing you do - zone out when I'm talking - has to stop. Can you do that?

Yes Lord. I know, I want it to stop. 

You think I'm going to mark you, that there will be pencil marks all over your life, but that's not true. 

Do I really do that? Expect to be marked hard? Even though I know you're a loving God.
*Names changed for privacy reasons
NEXT: What's on Your heart God?

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